Third Crusader Challenge and Whisky Trench Riders Video

Rach has posted the third crusader challenge on her blog. Here are the rules for show not tell:

My Show Not Tell Challenge: In 300 words or less, write a passage (it can be an excerpt from your WIP, flash fiction, a poem, or any other writing) that shows (rather than tells) the following:
you're scared and hungry
it's dusk
you think someone is following you
and just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.
Mine's adapted from my wip, Out of the Water, and features Rosa in an escape scene:

She hurtled down the corridor, trying not to hear the slapping footsteps behind. Her feet turned and her body followed, her thoughts a waterfall of words. Get away, get away. The salt tang of tears ran into her mouth.

She must have been guided by smells of cooking, for she'd reached an archway to the kitchens. A man in an apron tapped a wooden spoon against a bowl, beside a pot bubbling over an open fire.

He turned a gaping mouth on her as she skidded past, and called out, waving the spoon. The smell of some sizzling substance made her want to stop in her tracks, accepting whatever might happen, if she could only have one bowlful of that savoury broth.

Her thoughts crystallised long enough for her mind to guide her saccadic actions. As the man reached out, she grabbed a poker, hooked it to the pot's rim and yanked, jumping back before the hot liquid could splash on her. The spoon clattered to the floor and the man yelped as broth splattered across his arms.

The first open door led outside to an herb garden. She was halfway through when she heard crashing and banging behind her. A man stood up among the mint, his shadow reaching nearly to her feet.

Dirt flew up in clods against her legs as she ran toward the forest, a shimmer of darkness at the end of the field, clutching a stitch in her side, not stopping or looking behind her. She burst into the shelter of the branches and tramped through the undergrowth, slipping and sliding on pine needles, ears pricked to their utmost, straining for the sound of pursuit above her own thrashing.

She sprang out into a clearing and crashed into another man. Her thoughts turned to ice.

I actually managed to meet all the requirements! But do let me know if I succeeded in showing not telling.

Today's another check in for A Round of Words in 80 Days, and I've been doing okay. Thursday I got a teeny bit of editing done, Friday was a wash, and Saturday I ploughed through eight more pages. Getting closer to the point where I can reprint the entire MS and start all over again. Still need to draft a few scenes for the middle bits...

Unless I'm much mistaken, I've caught up on all the A-Z letters as of today. I lost track after I realised I'd been adding letters on Sundays as well. Good luck to all you A-Zers in the last week!

Look out for my review of Lisa Hendrix's Immortal Champion, which I won through Nas' blog. Thanks Nas and Lisa!

Annnnd... Here's the new video for Driftin' from the Whisky Trench Riders!


Zan Marie said…
Great job, Deniz! Happy Easter!
Beth said…

LOVED the music! They're good.

And the challenge sounds like the perfect kernel for a new scene I've been thinking about.
Nas Dean said…
I loved your show not tell excerpt. I'm always struggling with it!

Will definitely look out for the review of Immortal Champion!
S.J. Noir said…
Great progress Deniz! Keep it up. :)
Deniz Bevan said…
Thanks Chris, Zan Marie, Beth, Nas and SJ!
By the way, here's the band's YouTube channel:
Don't forget to press Like :-)
(yes I'm being shameless, plugging them like this!)
Trisha said…
I am so burned out on this A-Z thing! LOL. Can't wait till it's over, really. But it HAS been great! :D
J.C. Martin said…
Wow, what an action-packed snippet! Wonder who she crashed into?
Liz Fichera said…
Your WIP exerpt was very visual. I could feel "heat" when reading it; that's why the last line was so interesting. It stopped me in my tracks!

P.S. Thank you for visiting and commenting at Dear Teen Me. I appreciate it! :-)
Tara said…
Oh, love this, Deniz! I haven't seen this one - Baha?

I'm late, but I posted - you've seen it before ;)
Anonymous said…
Nice excerpt!!! I wanna read more!
Rachel Morgan said…
Ooh, quite unexpected at the end. We're hoping she'll get away from the guy behind her and then she crashes into one in front!
Anonymous said…
Great excerpt and thanks for sharing the video. Have a great week.
Very nice. Great tension. You also fit in all the requirements without seeming forced. Well done!
Scott Niven said…
Very nicely done! How far are you into your WIP? It sounds like something I'd be interested in reading!
alberta ross said…
well down on challenge and ROW you've had a good week - Only a few more days of a-z thank goodness - it's exhausting isn't it?
best of luck for next week
The last paragraph was totally unexpected! There's lots of tension in this piece.
Deniz Bevan said…
I knew I wouldn't be able to do the A-Z each day, Trisha, but I had fun doing it on weekends!

Thanks J.C. and Liz! Maybe I should post the scene after this one...

You got it, Tara - this is where she runs into Baha for the first time :-)

Thank you lb, Rachel, Medeia and Carolina!

Thanks Scott! I feel like I'm in a neverending loop of edits, but I hope to be ready to share with the world by the end of summer.

Thank you alberta and Golden Eagle!
AllMyPosts said…
I really don't know the difference between showing and telling!! I mean, I can visualize any scene after reading these many books!!

Dear Deniz Bevan, Your entry is awesome!! I am all eager to read your WIP .. as a novel!! All the best!!

with warm regards
CatchyTips for Writers
Lisa said…
Very nicely done. I enjoyed your work.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Added myself as a follower of your blog.

Susan Fields said…
Great entry! And yes, definitely showing and not telling. I loved it!
Talli Roland said…
I think you definitely succeeded, Deniz! Well done!
Deniz Bevan said…
Neat! Thank you AllMyPosts!

Added you back, Lisa, I'm glad you liked my little snip [s]

Thanks so much Susan and Talli! Happy dance :-)
Rachael Harrie said…
Great Challenge entry Deniz! So glad you could take part :)



Popular posts from this blog

Contest to Celebrate My 900th Post!

IWSG Day, and RIP Tom Petty

Books, etc.